People say to me, constantly, “Lauren, you are a cosmopolitan gal-about-town. What are your rules for LIFE and LIVING?”
And to these people I say, “Stop speaking to me, minions! Peel me some grapes!”
No, of course I don’t say that, because no one has ever called me a gal-about-town. Probably because that’s not a thing.
But I have flown on an airplane many times, and I have some tips for travel for you, based on my keen observations. Lo:
- We all know you’re going to sleep on the plane, but try not to dress like it. Look, I know. It’s a long flight. It’s a great time to get some rest. But it’s really weird to see someone wearing uggs, sweatpants, a ratty T-shirt, and a sparkly purse. It’s a combo that does not work.
- Conversely, if you’re old, wear and do anything you want. This is an unspoken rule for life, actually. I saw an elderly man eating, and he had on a baseball cap that said “Won’t stand 4 SHIT.” Well played, sir.
- Don’t look at people when you eavesdrop! Cmon, we all want to catch up on Real Housewives: Airport, but remember not to look at people when you eavesdrop. If you look away, not only will they not know you’re eavesdropping, it will be easier to hear things, because your ear will be facing them. How else would I find out that in Air Force basic training, they make you do push ups on your birthday? Great thing to know!
- Stop being shocked about TSA rules. Look, we all hate emptying our pockets and taking our shoes off to go through the detectors. We all hate getting patted down and not being able to bring drinks. It’s ridiculous. But stop acting like it’s a surprise. We all know it’s going to happen.
- Don’t be so possessive of the overhead bin space. In an ideal world, we’d all be able to put our luggage right above our seats. But we don’t live in an ideal world, do we? We live in a world where bacon has a lot of calories, and the Kardashians are a thing. So don’t get all mad when someone puts their luggage in your so-called luggage space. We don’t have individual luggage spaces overhead, so get over it.
- Speaking of eavesdropping, remember that we can all hear you. Like, all of us. I can hear you, girl on your cell phone. I can hear you, beleaguered mother in front of me. I can hear you, teenager going to basic training. I can hear all of you. And I will write about you on my blog. Someone you don’t know and will never see again will write about you on her blog. If that doesn’t shut you up on a cross-country flight, nothing will.
- Be classy. Not klassy. Some people think it’s classy to wear a denim cap and sunglasses on an airplane. Actually, it’s klassy, as in a Kardashian would do it. It is klassy because no one who is classy would do it, on an airplane or anywhere.
- For the love of cookies, try not to fart so much. I’m guilty of this one too. I’m mildly lactose intolerant, but forget this fact every 9 minutes. It’s gross, I know. But try not too. We’re all trapped in this metal tube, and the smell has nowhere to go. NOWHERE.
You’re welcome, humans of the world.