An Open Letter to the Woman in the Stall Next to Me In the Bathroom at Work

Hey girl,

Hey, oh hey! I didn’t even realize you were there, you’re so quiet. I’m just gonna go ahead and pee, mmmkay?

Hey, why aren’t you peeing? You were in here before me, but you’re not peeing. You’re not…oh…

You have to poop.

Look, I get it. Women are brought up to be ashamed that we poop. Women don’t poop, right? We don’t poop or fart. All of our waste drifts into the ether and gets reincarnated as butterflies and rainbows.

But it’s not true. We do poop!

Since we’re so ashamed of the fact that we poop, we don’t like other people hearing us poop. That’s why you’re over there, shuffling your feet, clearing your throat, unrolling more toilet paper (as if you’ve done anything to need it right now).

Maybe you are actually OK with pooping as long as no one can hear. But it’s hard to cover up that telltale plink of a turd hitting water. You can cough all you want, I know you’re a poopin’ fool over there.

And I just want you to know it’s totally cool. Really. I talk about poop probably more than most people, but I like to think we’re all OK with it. We all do it.

So poop away, fellow woman professional! I know it’s what you want to do. And trust me, you’ll much better once you do. I always do.

Cheers,

ohmypuddin