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I lost my mother-in-law.

I mean, I literally lost her. In San Antonio. I couldn’t find her for an hour and a half.

John’s parents are staying with us for the week. They don’t live in Texas. They’ve been here before and know our area a bit, but they don’t live here. She and I had gone to pick up John’s car from the dealership. We drove there together, she let me out, I got John’s car, and we got on the service road to go to my house. We weren’t far from the house, and I thought she was only a couple cars behind me.

But then I got home, and she wasn’t there. After a few minutes, I called her. No answer. She didn’t have her phone. But if she’d been following me, she shouldn’t have been more than a few minutes behind me, even if there was traffic or she got stuck at a light. Time crept on. I waited in the driveway, watching the cars go by. She wasn’t in any of those cars.

After 20 minutes, I decided to try to find her if I could. I didn’t know if she had any money, or if she knew how to get home. I didn’t know if she knew enough about where we lived to ask anyone how to get home again.

So I drove for about an hour, checking gas stations for the car, looking for accidents or cars pulled off the road. I was in an absolute panic, thinking that I’d let this happen. Thinking that she could be hurt, or gotten into an accident, or be crazy lost. I kept driving, because I needed to do something to try to help, and it was all I could think to do.

Finally, my father-in-law called. She’d found her way home, after being lost. I breathed a sigh of relief. I called John to let him know. I drove back home and hugged my mother-in-law.

And then I had many glasses of wine.

All this leads me to believe that having children is going to turn me into a walking panic attack. John called me last night, and I had to tell him, “I can’t talk now, I lost your mother!”

I’m telling you this story to explain one of my greatest fears when I think about having children: That I will literally die from a panic attack.

I freak out about a lot of things. I can’t help thinking of the worst. The planner in me kicks in, it starts considering scenarios and what I would do. I start to thinking, I need to look up the hospitals and start calling them. I should look to see if she took her wallet. I should drive down all the side streets and see if she’s there. If she doesn’t come back in another hour, where should we look? Should I call the police department and see if anything’s been reported?

I can’t help it, my mind goes to the worst things and starts planning. In many ways, this is a bad thing because I usually get worked up over nothing. It’s usually fine. Just because John isn’t answering his phone doesn’t mean he’s in trouble – it probably means his phone died.

Someday, I will probably get better about this. It’s useless to worry about everything that crosses your path. I know that. But I can’t help myself from freaking out.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say or ask right now, but I wanted to share that with you.

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People say to me, constantly, “Lauren, you are a cosmopolitan gal-about-town. What are your rules for LIFE and LIVING?”

And to these people I say, “Stop speaking to me, minions! Peel me some grapes!”

No, of course I don’t say that, because no one has ever called me a gal-about-town. Probably because that’s not a thing.

But I have flown on an airplane many times, and I have some tips for travel for you, based on my keen observations. Lo:

• We all know you’re going to sleep on the plane, but try not to dress like it. Look, I know. It’s a long flight. It’s a great time to get some rest. But it’s really weird to see someone wearing uggs, sweatpants, a ratty T-shirt, and a sparkly purse. It’s a combo that does not work.
• Conversely, if you’re old, wear and do anything you want. This is an unspoken rule for life, actually. I saw an elderly man eating, and he had on a baseball cap that said “Won’t stand 4 SHIT.” Well played, sir.
• Don’t look at people when you eavesdrop! Cmon, we all want to catch up on Real Housewives: Airport, but remember not to look at people when you eavesdrop. If you look away, not only will they not know you’re eavesdropping, it will be easier to hear things, because your ear will be facing them. How else would I find out that in Air Force basic training, they make you do push ups on your birthday? Great thing to know!
• Stop being shocked about TSA rules. Look, we all hate emptying our pockets and taking our shoes off to go through the detectors. We all hate getting patted down and not being able to bring drinks. It’s ridiculous. But stop acting like it’s a surprise. We all know it’s going to happen.
• Don’t be so possessive of the overhead bin space. In an ideal world, we’d all be able to put our luggage right above our seats. But we don’t live in an ideal world, do we? We live in a world where bacon has a lot of calories, and the Kardashians are a thing. So don’t get all mad when someone puts their luggage in your so-called luggage space. We don’t have individual luggage spaces overhead, so get over it.
• Speaking of eavesdropping, remember that we can all hear you. Like, all of us. I can hear you, girl on your cell phone. I can hear you, beleaguered mother in front of me. I can hear you, teenager going to basic training. I can hear all of you. And I will write about you on my blog. Someone you don’t know and will never see again will write about you on her blog. If that doesn’t shut you up on a cross-country flight, nothing will.
• Be classy. Not klassy. Some people think it’s classy to wear a denim cap and sunglasses on an airplane. Actually, it’s klassy, as in a Kardashian would do it. It is klassy because no one who is classy would do it, on an airplane or anywhere.
• For the love of cookies, try not to fart so much. I’m guilty of this one too. I’m mildly lactose intolerant, but forget this fact every 9 minutes. It’s gross, I know. But try not too. We’re all trapped in this metal tube, and the smell has nowhere to go. NOWHERE.

You’re welcome, humans of the world.

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Yeah, I know I’ve been gone for awhile. I kept meaning to, but then…I didn’t.

And now I’m going to write about some stuff that has nothing to do with food.

So that’s what I’m going to do. Disappear for a while and go off the rails in terms of what I post.

Sound good? Great.

Mustard and Garlic Roast Goose

For a very long time, John has wanted to roast a goose. I’ve always pushed back on this, since we’ve never eaten goose, cooked goose, or even seen a goose for sale. John sometimes dreams big and plans things that we can’t execute.

So when he suggested we make goose for dinner club AGAIN, I agreed. As long as we had a plan. The plan was to find a goose, find some recipes, and come up with a theme.

The theme being, Christmas! This is a great meal for the holidays. It’s warm, rich, and savory. The potatoes are pretty easy to make and made more delicious with a generous amount of creme fraiche, whole milk, butter, and chives. The braised cabbage can be made ahead. And the goose? It’s a bit tricky, and takes about 3 hours to cook, but it’s worth it.

We served this with a pinot noir, but Bon Appetit recommends a nice tawny port. I try not to have too much port because it’s easy to overindulge, but sipped slowly, a tawny port would be wonderful with this meal.

From Bon Appetit

Goose

• 1 13-pound goose (thawed if frozen); neck, heart, gizzard, and wing tips reserved for stock
•  3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon dried savory

Stock

• 3 14-ounce cans low-salt chicken broth
• 1 carrot, cut into 1-inch pieces
• 1 small onion, sliced
• 3 1/2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
• 3 fresh Italian parsley sprigs
• Reserved goose neck (cut into 3-inch pieces), heart, gizzard, and wing tips

Gravy

• 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons tawny Port
• 1/3 cup all purpose flour

Goose

1. Position oven rack in bottom third of oven and preheat to 425°F. Remove excess fat and skin from main body cavity and neck cavity. Pierce goose with sharp fork, especially where fat is thickest on legs and lower breast. Sprinkle cavities and skin with salt and pepper. Tie legs together to hold shape. Place goose, breast side down, on V-shaped rack set in roasting pan. Add enough water to pan to reach depth of 1/2 inch. Roast 40 minutes. Spoon off fat from surface of liquid in pan; reserve 1/4 cup fat.
2. Reduce oven temperature to 350°F. Using tongs as aid, turn goose onto 1 side. Roast 30 minutes. Turn goose onto second side. Roast 30 minutes.
3. Whisk mustard, lemon juice, garlic, salt, pepper, and savory in small bowl to blend. Turn goose breast side up. Brush goose with mustard-garlic mixture. Roast until meat thermometer inserted into thickest part of thigh registers 175°F and juices run clear when thigh is pierced with fork, about 50 minutes. Transfer goose to platter; tent loosely with foil to keep warm. Reserve pan juices.

Meanwhile, prepare stock

1. Bring all ingredients to boil in large saucepan. Reduce heat to medium and simmer, uncovered, until reduced to 3 cups, occasionally skimming surface, about 1 hour. Strain stock into bowl; spoon off fat.

Gravy

1. Spoon off fat from top of reserved juices in roasting pan. Add 1/2 cup Port to pan. Place roasting pan atop 2 burners and boil until mixture is reduced to 1 cup, whisking occasionally, about 5 minutes. Whisk flour and reserved 1/4 cup fat in medium saucepan over medium-low heat until roux is light brown, about 5 minutes. Gradually whisk in Port mixture and 2 1/2 cups degreased stock. Simmer until gravy thickens enough to coat spoon, whisking constantly, about 3 minutes. Stir in 2 tablespoons Port. Season with salt and pepper. Carve goose and serve with gravy.

Braised Red Cabbage

From Bon Appetit

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter
• 1 2-pound head of red cabbage, quartered, cored, very thinly sliced (about 14 cups)
• 1/2 teaspoon (or more) salt
• 3 tablespoons dry red wine or hard cider
• 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar or apple cider vinegar

Preparation

1. Melt butter in heavy large pot over medium heat. Add sliced cabbage and 1/2 teaspoon salt; stir and toss constantly until cabbage begins to wilt, about 7 minutes. Add red wine or hard cider and sauté until liquid evaporates, about 10 minutes. Add red wine vinegar or apple cider vinegar; stir constantly until cabbage is tender and turns bright fuchsia color, about 13 minutes longer. Season to taste with pepper and more salt, if desired. DO AHEAD Can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cool slightly. Cover and refrigerate. Rewarm, stirring over medium heat, before serving.

Crème Fraîche and Chive Mashed Potatoes

From Bon Appetit

Ingredients

• 3 quarts water
• 2 tablespoons coarse kosher salt plus additional for seasoning
• 2 pounds Yukon Gold or Yellow Finn potatoes, peeled, cut into 1-inch wedges
• 1/2 cup whole milk
• 1/2 cup crème fraîche
• 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) unsalted butter
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh chives

Preparation

1. Bring 3 quarts water to boil in heavy medium pot. Add 2 tablespoons coarse salt; add potatoes. Cook until potatoes are tender, about 18 minutes. Drain. Press potatoes through ricer into large bowl. Cover bowl with clean towel to keep warm.
2. Heat milk, crème fraîche, and butter in saucepan over medium heat, just until bubbles begin to form at edge, stirring until butter melts. Gradually mix hot milk mixture into potatoes. Fold in chives. Season with coarse salt and pepper. DO AHEAD Can be made 1 hour ahead. Let stand at room temperature. Reheat in microwave-safe bowl.

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As a foodie, I get a lot of gifts during the holiday season, some good, some bad. If you’ve got a foodie in your life, I’m going to save you some time with this list of things foodies want. You see, I’m pretty picky about my major cooking tools, my pots and pans, my knives. Those things you shouldn’t try to buy me, unless I’ve got it on a wishlist.

Cooking classes – Wherever your friend or loved one is, there’s got to be a place to take cooking classes. Research local grocery stores, culinary schools, and restaurants. You can go ahead and register your giftee or buy a gift certificate and give it to them.

Food subscriptions - Foodzie.com offers a monthly tasting box, usually filled with seasonal and artisan edible goodies. Do a search for jerky, bacon, or jam of the month clubs, and you’ll have your pick. If you really want to please your foodie, find the Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) farms in her area and order a season’s worth of produce.

Local foods – Most foodies are also locavores, people who like to eat local food. If your friend is in a different city, send them a delicacy from your area, like a Vermont syrup or Southern grits. Foodies like discovering new foods, and you’ll definitely be on the “nice” list if you help them find something new.

Signed cookbook - It might be too late to get this present done, but there’s still time. In December, there are plenty of food events where chefs come out of the woodwork to sell their beloved cookbooks. Get a copy signed for your friend, and now you’ve got a personalized gift! Also, scour your bookshelves for a signed cookbook you no longer want, and presto! Instant gift!

Cool tea towels and dishcloths – I’m constantly using and washing my dishtowels, which I use in every aspect of cooking. Mine are usually looking pretty worn and dingy, and I could use some pretty, but functional dish towels to spruce up my kitchen.

Small kitchen tools – Zesters, microplanes, measuring cups, citrus reamers, tiny whisks – foodies need all of these things, but usually only have one. But when you’re baking four pies, you don’t want to have to wash the same tools over and over. Small kitchen tools that can be thrown in a drawer are a godsend in a pinch.

There are lots of other things you could get too, but this should get you started. You’ll see there’s some common threads here – local things that you can’t get anywhere else, interesting things that everyone needs, and tools that need replacing constantly. Oh, and food. We like food too.